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Thursday, January 19, 2012

who i am

Last night I ran four and a half miles at just under a 9-minute mile pace. That has been my longest run in three months and I felt every step.

There was a time when I wouldn't even bother to lace up my shoes for anything under 6 miles, when I was churning out 15 miles before work and on track to run a pretty fantastic fall marathon. My life revolved around was my training schedule and my identity was found in that: I was a runner.

It's an understatement to say that I've been a little lost these past three months. At first I was happy to take a break after my freak injury but after a few weeks, I told my body it was time to go and it wouldn't move. So began my mind vs. body battle. I had some good days where I could go for a little jog around the lakes or pound out a few miles on the treadmill but most days even walking up stairs left me gasping for air, like my lungs just wouldn't fill. So I've waited.

I've watched my body get softer and my muscle definition disappear. My fat jeans that hung in the back of the closet are now a wardrobe staple. I've been filling my time with the things that I never had time for: happy hours, brunches/lunches/dinners, sleep(!), TV, something that resembles a social life.  And while it's all been fun, it's not fulfilling. It's not who I am.

I'm confident I'm healthy enough to start training again. I want to get back to the point where I can have 15 miles for breakfast at 5 a.m. instead of Bloody Mary's and greasy hash browns for brunch at noon. So I'm steeling myself for what is going to come- my God, is it going to hurt! My run last night was just me dipping my toe into the pond of pain that getting back into shape is going to be, but I'm thinking I'm ready to jump in.